This month, the month of love, we’re going to let you take a little peek behind the Sidequest curtain. For whatever reason, we rank quite highly for the search term “wario and waluigi,” which is not something we expected when we wrote “Wario and Waluigi: Who Are They, Anyway?” all those years ago. But because the Brothers Wario (if they are, in fact, brothers) keep driving traffic to our site, and because our other highest-ranked keyword is porn related, this month’s editorial meeting went A Certain Direction and Zora made us aware of this Wario and Waluigi body pillow (link NSFW). So what better way to honor the Brothers’ service to Sidequest than to make them this month’s icons to celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Hey, quick question—why is everybody so obsessed with Wario and Waluigi? Or maybe they aren’t and we just happen to get more traffic from that search term than anything else. Regardless, please put your theories as to why so many people come to our site for them here.

Ennis Bashe: Wario and Waluigi represent the iconic shadow in the human heart. The id, so to speak—that untamable part of us that doesn’t care about society’s rules. They’re less visually polished than Mario and Luigi, and more mischievous. Can you imagine Waluigi running from ghosts the way Luigi does in Luigi’s manor, or shrinking in fear from the Grim Reaper in Dracula’s castle? No. He’d just give an unhinged little giggle, because he’s too busy causing problems on purpose. Wario and Waluigi are the “goblin mode” trend made manifest.

Also, they have silly little mustaches, and that’s fun.

Emily Durham: I mean. Look AT them.

Zora Gilbert: All the visitors found our article on daddy Bowser and remembered we had good takes when they had a burning need to know about the other older men in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Elvie Mae Parian: People have their priorities straight and I’m glad we are a vital resource to fulfill those needs.

Naseem Jamnia: I’m with Ennis on this: after March 2020, we all realized our true inner goblins and they became outer goblins for the few among us who weren’t already outer goblins. Wario and Waluigi are the only presentable ones among us. Or at least, they’re more presentable than me. And Sidequest has always been a leader amongst sites with the coldest takes, so it was only a matter of time.

Promotional art from Mario Golf: Super Rush (Camelot Software Planning, Nintendo, 2021) showing Wario and Waluigi in cowboy-themed golfing gear.

Melissa Brinks: Setting aside the fact that I can see the search engine data, it’s obviously because Wario and Waluigi are the more interesting pair. Mario and Luigi have their own mysteries, but they’re open books compared to Wario and Waluigi! Of course the people want to know more.

Maddi Butler: I think people just like a bad boy. Look at Mario and Luigi. They’re so clean cut. I imagine Mario is the type of person who thinks about his taxes and obviously Luigi has real estate to worry about, but Wario and Waluigi are free.

If we allow that people are hot for Wario and Walugi (your mileage may vary), how are we feeling about the depiction on that body pillow? What would you look for in a Wario and Waluigi body pillow?

Emily: I immediately regret saying to look at them.

Zora: I said it in the editorial meeting and stand by it: this is the coward’s Wario body pillow. Where is his powerful stomach? Where are his wide thighs? Where is the bear of my heart, gloriously fat and proud of it? Not on that pillow, that’s for sure.

Elvie: I agree with Zora: we need accuracy. We need the body. We need the ‘stache. None of that ikemen-ization nonsense. Put the “WAH!” in Wario’s name!

Naseem: Not gonna lie, I didn’t know what to expect when I opened that link but that was NOT it. (I probably should have expected it, tbh.) I’m truly impressed with those abs and Wario’s arms. But I have to agree with Zora and Elvie that this is Not My Waluigi/Wario. Like, we’re talking about people supposedly from the Mediterranean, right? I’m not seeing any body hair over here, and as a hairy person (not from the Mediterranean but close by), I object to this smoothification of hairy people.

Melissa: To each their own but I agree—Wario and Waluigi’s appeal is that they’re not super normative, right? God help me, I just googled “sexy waluigi” because I had a vague memory of something that happened years ago, and found this strange Waluigi render that features him seductively (?) about to lick a flower. Waluigi and Wario have extremely strange energy (come on, one of Wario’s Smash attacks is aggressively farting) and I feel like that energy doesn’t come through in these designs. Also, why is there one on each side? How can you make me choose between these two?

Maddi: Save yourself the agony of choice. Purchase two body pillow covers and enjoy your life as the forever filling in a Wario and Waluigi sandwich. I mean, I won’t, but you could.

I feel curious about these depictions. Mainly, I want to know what Wario is up to at the gym. I know he squats. You do not get quads like that without squatting. I’m guessing he can rep 405 lbs easily. Drop the lower body routine, please.

Screenshot from Mario Tennis (Camelot Software Planning, Nintendo, 2000) depicting Wario weightlifting.

Why do you think Wario and Waluigi are the icons of this Valentine’s Day month? Feel free to express yourself in verse, if you like.

Emily:
I said look AT them.
Then I clicked on Zora’s link.
I should not have looked.

Elvie: I think Valentine’s Day in all its commercialization should be a day about all sorts of love, and I think the double W duo is a powerful pair in that regard for both the love that they have with each other and the love that everyone has for them.

Naseem:
Two men with mustaches galore
(and voices that some may abhor)
may really be evil
and cause some upheaval
but the internet says, “Encore!”

(I think I came up with like five different limericks before settling on this one. Yes, the other ones were worse.)

Melissa:
Roses are red,
Dandelions are free,
Wa-boys are li’l freaks,
And so are we.

Maddi: Wah not?