The holidays can toss you out of your comfort zone, but have no fear! Attack them like the quests they are with our four handy RPG-style character sheets. Gain the experience and collect the holiday spoils!
High Elf Sorcerer Queen of Sugarplum Forest
“The moment I entered the holiday party, it was like a dream. I had never seen such twinkling and sparkling, as if the very stars themselves were shaken out of the darkest night sky. Most awe-inspiring, yet terrifying, was she at the center. How does one such as me continue to exist next to such beauty? By keeping one’s hands to one’s self.” – Rue Dolph, the one-handed ranger.
They claim the work party is optional, but your boss has mentioned it at least three times this meeting alone. Survive the night by embodying the High Elf Queen of Sugarplum Forest.
- Speed: 100 feet (enough to escape a crowded party in under 1 minute flat)
- Languages: small talk, bullshit
- Skills: + 8 diplomacy, +10 endurance, +5 bluffing
- Known weaknesses: the Nutcracker ballet suite
- Snow Queen Sparkly Heels: Feel like sneakers the moment you put them on
- Crystal Necklace of Drosselmeyer: Traps the souls of men who tell you to smile
- Nutcracker’s Diamond Clutch: swats away “roaming” hands (may maim)
- Protection from Energy: Protect your friends from drunken creeps
- Temporary Blindness: When you can’t see your boss on the dance floor, it can’t haunt you for life
Fire Sprite Bard of Christmas Island
“The frost-bit night compared not to the icy reception in the living room. A fire alighted before our eyes when she entered with a carol upon her lips that warmed our tired souls.” – Uncle Frostie.
Nothing says “festive” like a family gathering of forced cheer. Survive in style by harnessing the power of the Fire Sprite Bard of Christmas Island.
- Skills: +5 History, +7 Diplomacy, +3 Streetwise
- Languages: All domesticated animal languages
- Known weaknesses: Ice cubes in scotch
- Ugly Holiday Sweater of Ralphie: When worn, feels like the warmth of a roaring fire. Also lets you sit as close as you want to any fire as you chose without shooting your eye out.
- Ukulele of Christmas Island: Magically shrinks to fit in any clothing pocket
- Catnap: Lull small children and/or animals to sleep for the duration of one full adult conversation
- Cloud of Daggers: Channel your anger against the racist, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic dinner table ramblings of distant relatives
Human Cleric of Dickenstown
“Did you hear? After wandering the realms and sleeping with anything that serves a brew, they’ve stumbled back in town like a lonely wretch. Do you think our good cleric means to include them when she says, ‘God bless us, everyone?'” – overheard, Patti Prancer & Vicki Vixen at Tiny Tim’s Tavern.
Avoid needy exes during their holiday loneliness binges by divining the power of the Human Cleric of Dickenstown.
- Skills: +5 Insight, +3 Dungeoneering
- Languages: Victorian Londonese
- Known weaknesses: Romantic comedies, doubled for Love Actually
- Headphones of Scrooge’s Solitude – If you can’t hear them, do they really exist?
- Marley’s Messenger Bag of Remembrance – Remind yourself of the good or bad of any relationship
- Banishment – Banishes your ex and all social media mentions, including pesky Facebook memories
- Zone of Truth – Protects you from the bullshit your ex spews to avoid being alone for the holiday
Dwarf Paladin of the Northern Poles
“I’ve never seen anyone so patient and cheerful about waiting in holiday line, almost as if it’s her sacred duty.” – Bally Szar of the Travelling Wise Men
The countdown is on! With only hours left, you still have so much gift shopping to do. Imbue the traits of the Dwarf Paladin of the Northern Poles to keep your Christmas spirit intact.
- Skills: +4 Endurance
- Languages: crying baby
- Known weaknesses: HGTV
- Reusable Chalice of Caffeine – Moves you to the head of the line at any Starbucks
- Amulet of Bethlehem – Shines a light on any available parking spot
- Sacred Scroll of Martha Stewart – Wraps up to 10 gifts in under 1 minute
- Locate Object – You held the perfect holiday gift in your hands last week, but like a fool didn’t buy it and now it’s nowhere to be found. Use this spell to save your holiday!
- Protection from Poison – Protect holiday sanity. Neutralize the very vocal hater in your 1-hour line wait
Which holiday class are you? Let us know in the comments!
Community builder, artist, convention organizer, gamer, geek writer Women Write About Comics and Sidequest. Product Maven at Almost a Game. Owner, Bittenby Studios.