There was a time of, if not happiness, then at least contented ignorance before I became aware of birthing and pregnancy games. Then I saw this tweet:

Obviously I had to look into this. I searched “pregnancy games” in the Google Play Store and was met with so many options. So I downloaded three of the top-rated games (Pregnant Emergency Doctor, Pregnant Mom Food Shopping, and Pregnant Mommy SPA), and the game mentioned in the tweet (Cat Gives Birth) and settled in for a long night of strange gaming.

Pregnant Emergency Doctor,, 2015

Pregnant Emergency Doctor was developed by “,” the company that has also brought us such treats as Injection Simulator and Marriage Proposal Plan. The reviews in the Google Play store range from “Awsom love love love love love love love…” to “Hated it. DON’T INSTALL!!!!” It’s rated 3.7 stars.

The purpose of the game is to take care of these pregnant women who have strange lacerations, dirt on their faces, and bruises on their heads. There isn’t much choice in the whole situation, you just click the tools as the program tells you to click them. In order to use the last tool in each scenario you need to “buy” it, because the healthcare system is terrible and doctors, even at hospitals solely for skinny, pregnant white women, don’t have access to everything they need. Like bandages. However, they can be purchased with gems that you win watching ads, so it’s not the worst system out there. Preferable in my mind to paying actual money for such garbage, I mean, games.

There were also mini-games to be played, and while all very simple, they were the most entertaining part of the experience.

Pregnant Mom Food Shopping, bxapps Studio, 2015

I then moved on to Pregnant Mom Food Shopping, created by bxapps Studio. This is the same game developer that birthed such gems as Birthday Selfie Party and Ironing Clothes for Kids. My favorite review on the Play store was, “I got bored to fast All those people who put one star have a good taste of good games.” It has a current rating of 3.6 stars.

This is not a game. This. Is. Not. A. Game. Or, at least, not anything I would call a game. You get dressed. You go to the grocery store, the toy store, and the cosmetics store, and you buy exactly what your character tells you to buy. The only semblance of freedom you have in the game is what you wear and how many times you drive your tiny yellow car to each store. Like really boring Sims.

Pregnant Mommy SPA,, 2016

After a few days of cleansing my gaming palate with a lot of Fallout, I returned to my investigation with Pregnant Mommy SPA. This is another game and I went in skeptical, despite its 4.0 rating and reviews like, “Kool Its fun get it😂😂”

I am not even going to “review” this game, except to say: if I didn’t shave or wax my legs before, I’m definitely not starting now.

Cat Gives Birth, RoyalGames, 2016

Finally I got around to Cat Gives Birth, the game that started this whole tweet-investigation. This RoyalGames entry, the developer that brought the world Kindergarten Teacher First Aid and Make My Beard Crazy, had me feeling hopeful. It has a 3.9 star rating and a review that reads, “CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it because it is cute the best kitten game ever😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻” Also, it was animals giving birth, and not more weird human births. It had to be better.

It was the worst. It was so upsetting my roommate asked me to not play it near her anymore. There’s just something weirdly disturbing about this whole game. Maybe it’s the heart monitors that sit like pasties. It’s a very short experience of stroking the baby out of the cat womb and then styling the baby kitten to be prissy enough for the family photo. I hate it.

All in all, the best game was Pregnant Emergency Doctor which I enjoyed almost entirely for the mini-games. All of the games have a similar aesthetic, bright colors and rounded shapes with big heads and eyes. None of them are particularly groundbreaking or interesting or worthy of your time. I would say that they all seem like children’s games, and that some even would be good teaching skills for matching objects and following directions, but I wouldn’t wish these exercises in boredom on even the naughtiest child.

Well folks, here we are. How much time was spent in this black hole of “research?” Enough to make me have nightmares about having to paint my toenails while giving birth to a furry kitten baby.