It’s sex month here at WWAC, and video games are one of the sexiest mediums around. Also the least sexy. So, the Games section sat down to chat pixels and porn. What sexy video games do you play, reader?
What is the sexiest video game you can think of?
Kathy Beyerle: Catherine. Maybe it’s the fact that Vincent gets it on with a succubus? Maybe it’s the life or death puzzles? Or the announcer with the awesome afro. Either way this game had me sold on sexy.
Wendy Browne: The Witcher 2. No I’m not talking about the icky sex trading cards. I played my game with the intent to stay true to Triss. Nowhere did I find this more meaningful than when given the choice to give her the Rose of Remembrance and then have wild sex in the elven ruins while the tale of star-crossed elven lovers is recited above. What I appreciated about their sexy times is that it is organic and part of the story as a whole rather than a side romp.
Andie Smith: Coming Out On Top, but it was literally created to be sexy.
Melissa Brinks: Cute Demon Crashers. Like Coming Out On Top, it’s definitely meant to be sexy, but I love that it continually makes it clear that every situation is safe and consensual despite the involvement of demons. And they’re so likeable! Sexy games are not really my forte unless I’m interested in the characters—hence my BioWare obsession—so Cute Demon Crashers holds my attention not just because it’s sexy (which it is, don’t get me wrong!), but because I actually managed to make it past the first few screens thanks to the different personalities and interactions.
What’s the least sexy game?
Kathy: Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon.
Melissa: Any Grand Theft Auto. It is amazing how they make breasts look like they’re made out of rocks—that’s a technological achievement in itself. I’ve never been more aware, even in the admittedly advanced graphics of GTA V, that video game bodies are made out of polygons and painted over. Mix that with the creepy touch mini-game and the overall disrespect and downright hatred for sex workers and Grand Theft Auto is just a mess sex-wise. It’s trying to be sexy in the same way that it’s trying to be satire; it feels rather like a thirteen-year-old’s idea of what constitutes sexuality and humor.
Al Rosenberg: Alpha Protocol. Why does SIE have sex with Michael? Why, why, why?
What game has the most believable sex?
Kathy: Heavy Rain. The awkwardness of this whole situation really makes it the most believable to me. Not everything is magical mystical sexy times!
Andie: Dragon Age: Origins/Mass Effect.
Melissa: I don’t think I’ve ever played a game with really believable sex, especially because most of the time you end up with the sex all centering on the first go-around with some nice music playing and no weird moments. For enjoyable, but not necessarily believable sex, I’ll have to give BioWare credit, because Isabela’s sex scene was excellent. So many knives on one woman in so little clothing!
What game has pointless sex?
Wendy: Saints Row IV. Pointless in and of itself, but totally worth it because of its satirical nature. I’m a fan of BioWare games, and I admit to shamelessly
sexing romancing everyone I can if the opportunity presents itself (or mods make it happen). I can respect a game like SRIV that mocks my beloved BioWare and my bad habits.
Melissa: When sex is used as a signifier of “edginess” or as a means of pushing the M rating, no matter how useful it might be (as in Grand Theft Auto, where in older games it was the most cost-efficient means of healing yourself—gross, Rockstar), I can’t help but roll my eyes. Sex can be a casual, fun thing, but I’m not personally interested unless there’s a character attached to it.
Al: The absolute worst is God of War III. This threesome. Ugh.
What game should have sex that does not currently?
Kathy: Final Fantasy 7.
Andie: Fallout 4 (all I wanted in life was to bang Paladin Danse :c )
Melissa: Why can’t I romance anybody I want to romance in Skyrim, and why does romance never seem to go anywhere? Why is Brynjolf always out of reach? And Vex, for that matter. And Karliah. What does Skyrim have against the most interesting members of the Thieves Guild? Shameful.
Melissa Brinks is Sidequest’s editor in chief, co-creator of the Fake Geek Girls podcast, author of The Compendium of Magical Beasts, and an aspiring beekeeper. She once won an argument on the internet, and tweets at @MelissaBrinks.